goodbye | Oppai Kudasai

Being a working mom is not easy. I never really imagined I would be working outside the home while our child stayed with someone else. It has been difficult to accept that this is what our life looks like. I have a hard time not allowing my brain to be filled with thoughts of guilt and worry. Adding more pain to my aching heart is the fact that our daughter asks me daily, not to leave her. Her first words in the morning as we wake in our family bed are usually “No school today?” When I have to tell her that it is a school day she usually begins to cry real tears. The light in her precious eyes turns a little dimmer and her sweet tulip mouth begins to quiver as she says “Mommy please don’t leave me.” And then she clings to me and starts to nurse and hold me as close as she can. It breaks my heart every time. How could it not. So what do I do? I have read that showing your emotions on the subject often causes children to feel more upset. Then I have also read that it is important to be true to your emotions with your child to teach them that feeling a feeling is ok and normal. I try to be honest without being overly dramatic. I try to hold back from sobbing uncontrollably while also not hiding the fact that it makes me sad to be away from her. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do but it feels right to me to be honest with our child.

This morning as she clung to me and said through tears, “please don’t leave me. I want to be with you mommy!” I just wanted to stay in my bed and rock her. I told her “It breaks my heart into a million pieces baby, to be away from you.” She hugged me close and nursed. Then she started to try and make me laugh and smile.

On Saturday on the way to her ballet ballet class, as we passed her school, Violet asked, “Mommy why is my school not next to your school? Why is my school far away?” I said “because the people who built the schools decided this would be a good place for them. I wish they were next to each other. That would be neat!”
Violet said, “Mommy why do I have to be far away from you when you are at school. Why can I not hug you when I am at school?” I said, “Because my physical body is not next to you at that time. But my heart is always with you. I am always hugging you in my heart.” Violet said, “I always want to hug you mama. But I am not going to school today! So today I can hug you all day long!”

It is so hard to work away from home. It is especially hard when you are a breastfeeding mom working away from home. I am so thankful that I didn’t have to go back to work until she was 2. But I wish I didn’t have to be gone at all. I think that because we are still a nursing couple, our connection is still very strong. I am sure it will still be strong after she decides to stop nursing but in a different way. We are still so very much connected to each other and it makes it so very hard when we have to be apart. I miss her all day long.

When we say goodbye we hug and kiss and I remind her that I will be in her heart all day long and she will be in mine. We give each other “a kissing hand” And then we say goodbye. I carry her kiss with me all day and pray that she is feeling loved.